


On His Own

by madamelibrarian, Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Series: Loving Heart [37]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coping Mechanisms, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Panicking Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 08:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamelibrarian/pseuds/madamelibrarian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: Lucifer pulled himself fully into the nest, trying to stop the hateful thoughts inside of him, saying that something bad was going to happen to his mates and his daughter.





	On His Own

Lucifer collapsed in the nest, chest tight and head reeling. He wasn’t even sure what triggered his anxiety attack, but he knew the thoughts that were swirling in his brain were partly to blame. 

Mary Rose was out on a “Daddy-Daughter” date with Sam and Gabriel, just a few short weeks after the angel fiasco, as it’d come to be known among them. 

He pulled himself fully into the nest, trying to stop the hateful thoughts inside of him, saying that something bad was going to happen to his mates and his daughter. He sobbed into the pillow, frowning when his fingers hit something small. Pulling it up, he saw headphones and an old style MP3 player. Masking tape covered the front of it, reading _For Luci <3_ in blue sharpie and Gabriel’s hand writing. 

Confused, he shakily untangled the headphones and slid them into his ears, turning the device on.  

A slightly tinny sounding version of Gabriel’s voice came through the headphones. “Heylel, if you’re listening to this then your mind has probably been telling you terrible, nasty things and you’re probably not feeling well. We thought it’d be a good idea to make you this little recording. It’s mainly going to be us playing with Gumdrop, but we won’t leave you hanging. We’ll talk to Mommy too. I love you, Heylel. It’s not as bad as it feels. We’re safe and sound. I promise,” Gabriel’s message ended and left the sound of static with faint ambient sounds of Mary Rose calling for Sam and then chattering about all the colors in her crayon box.

Lucifer coughed and relaxed into the nest, shaking and crying, focusing on their voices, straining to hear them, even after he jacked the volume up to the maximum. 

Almost like Gabriel sensed what Lucifer would do, footsteps could be heard, making Mary Rose’s voice grow louder. “An’ gotta has pink, cuz Mommy’s wings are pink. Noooo Daddy. Dat’s red...dis one,” she ordered about. 

“But Mommy has red in his wings too,” Sam explained with a chuckle, “And orange.”

“No! Pink!” Mary Rose said authoritatively. 

“Here that, Luci? Your wings are pink now. Gumdrop says so,” Gabriel chuckled into the microphone. 

Lucifer gave a watery chuckle, sniffling.  _ That’s my girl _ _ ,  _ he thought. 

There’s the sound of the microphone being jostled around before Mary Rose’s voice comes through clear and loud. “Mommy!”

“Gumdrop, inside voices. Remember?” Sam admonished in the background. 

“Sowwy,” She whispered, “Mommy… I colors you. Blue eyes and pink wings. Papa Gabe says you can has pink if you wan’, but Daddy Sam says dey orange. Can I see yo’r wings so I can get it right? Mommy? Are you there?”

“Gumdrop, it’s a recorder not a phone. Mommy will listen later,” Gabriel explained patiently.

Lucifer gave another chuckle. “Oh Princess,” he whispered happily, “You’re adorable.” He sniffled as he wiped nose on his sleeve, the tears slowing. 

“But… Mommy has ta help. I don’ want his wings to be orange,” Mary Rose whined, her voice jostling like it does when she hopped up and down. 

“Meltdown imminent,” Sam said as he got closer. Suddenly Mary Rose squealed in delight. “Down Daddy!”

“But I was going to make you fly like Mommy and Papa,”  Sam said as his voice went in and out as he moved. Mary Rose’s giggles echoing until they faded away. 

“Mary’s down for a nap it looks like. Feel better, baby. We love you.” Gabriel murmured and then the recording went quiet. 

Lucifer whined and panicked, hitting buttons, trying to find his family’s voices again, bile rising in his throat. 

The recording soon sounded like a chipmunk on speed as it fast forwarded into the next segment. 

Lucifer finally hit play, the sounds of a fast forwarding voice making him whimper. 

Sam’s voice came over the speakers, soft and low. “Gabriel’s napping with Mary and I thought I’d take my turn. I know you like hearing us read to each other and while I was researching I re-discovered something from the Bible that actually is quite beautiful. Song of Songs, Book 2. 

'As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,  
   so is my beloved among the young men.  
With great delight I sat in his shadow,  
   and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  
He brought me to the banqueting house,  
   and his banner over me was love.  
Sustain me with raisins;  
   refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love.  
His left hand is under my head,  
   and his right hand embraces me!  
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,  
   by the gazelles or the does of the field,  
that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.'”

Sam finished the verse and cleared his throat. “I love you, Heylel. Remember the feel of my heart, the sound of my breath?”

Lucifer nodded and closed his eyes, feeling his breathing even out even though he was still crying. “Sam” he whispered with a whimper. 

“Can you feel it, baby? I’m right there with you, always will be.” Sam’s voice purred through the recording. 

Lucifer nodded shakily, closing his eyes as he tried to take deep, calming breaths. “Sam, I’m scared,” he whispered. 

“Are you scared, sweetheart? Don’t be. Everything will be okay. Your mind and body are trying to tell you something is wrong when it’s not. Breath, Heylel. Breath.”

Lucifer gasped and took a deep breath of air, coughing as he let it out too quickly. “Sam,” he whined. 

“Again. Heylel. In… and out… ”

Lucifer did so, feeling a little bit better, “Come home, please, need to touch you,” he whispered, “Need my mates’ touch.”

Sam kept talking for another minute, guiding him through breathing until he finally said. “I bet you forgot about the braid, didn’t you?”

Lucifer blushed and whined, “‘M sorry, didn’t mean to.” The feeling of anxiousness returned about the fact that he forgot. 

“It’s okay. Can you get it? If you can’t that’s okay too. Just think about it in your hand. We’ll be home soon and you can hold me all you want.”

Lucifer snatched the braid out of his nightstand and ran his fingers gently over it, feeling a bit calmer now. 

“I love you. My brave Angel. My shining Morningstar. I love you,” Sam whispered close to the microphone before it cut off and automatically looped back to the beginning. 

Lucifer felt his eyes slowly start to close as he relaxed into the nest, listening to his mates’ and daughter’s voices as he drifted off. He clutched Sam’s braid in his hand the entire time with a small smile with his face, shaking every so often.

It was late in the afternoon before everyone returned. Sam, Gabriel and Mary Rose having run into Dean and Cas on the way home from the Apple Festival. While the adults carried bushels of the fruit into the bunker, Mary Rose ran down the hall towards her parents room with a balloon tied around her wrist, a fresh caramel apple in her hand and her face painted like a tiger. She pushed open the bedroom door and saw her mommy curled up tight, looking like he was sick. Carefully crawling into the nest, she placed a slightly sticky hand on the side of Lucifer’s face. “Mommy?” she stage whispered. “Has you gots tummy aches?”

Lucifer slowly blinked his eyes open and smiled at his daughter, “Hey there, princess.” 

She blinked her large green eyes as she watched him with worry. “Does Daddy needs to gets you medicine? Do you needs to poop?”

Lucifer chuckled and slowly sat up. “No, Princess. Mommy just needed a nap,” He kissed her sticky face. “Can I have a bite of your apple, please?” 

She held out the apple with a small bite already taken out of it and smiled, “I gotted it for you but I hadta taste it first.”

“Thank you,” Lucifer said, taking the apple and biting, “Making sure it was good for Mommy?” he asked around a mouthful of the treat.

“Uh huh. Mommy! I saw a clown! And guess what?” Mary Rose said excitedly, practically bouncing in her seat.

“What?” Lucifer asked, smiling warmly at his daughter.

“He made his nose go beep. And Papa laughed and me too but Daddy… he didn’t laugh. He don’t like clowns. How come he don’t like clowns?” She rattled off a mile a minute, hyped up on sugar and the events of the day, “And den we found Unca Dean and Unca Cas. An’ we gots lotsa apples. Loads and loads.”

Lucifer beamed and hugged her close. “Daddy doesn’t like clowns because they scare him. Much like the monsters under your bed scare you,” He kissed her forehead. 

“He needs salts,” She said as she took a bite of the apple, forgetting that it was intended for Lucifer. 

Lucifer didn’t mind and kissed her again. “Where are Papa and Daddy now?” he asked, taking another bite of the apple. 

“Playing with Unca Dean’s ashholes” she said through a mouthful. 

Lucifer chuckled. “Why don’t you go run and get them? Say mommy’s in the bedroom.” 

“Having naps?” She asked with an upturned face, her stripes smudged from kisses and eating. 

“Yes, having naps,” Lucifer chuckled, kissing her nose. 

“M’kay.” Mary Rose chirped as she dropped the apple to the blanket and crawled out to run for Gabriel and Sam. “DADDY!!!! MOMMY IN DA BED!!!” She yelled as she ran down the hall. 

Lucifer leaned back in the bed, picking up the apple and eating it happily. 

Sam was the first one in the door, his face painted with a kitten nose and whiskers, followed by Gabriel in a plastic Avengers syle Loki helmet. “You okay, Luc’?” Sam asked as he crossed the room to nest. 

Lucifer nodded, giggling at his mate. “You look  _ adorable. _ ” he gushed. 

Sam looked at Lucifer with a tilt of his head, making him appear more like a confused kitten “Wha?”

Gabriel snickered. “Your face, Sammy. Remember the face paint?”

“Oh.” Sam said with a slight blush. Reaching up to wipe the paint off his nose. “Mary begged me to do it with her.”

Lucifer smiled. “I think you’re adorable with it.” 

“You should have come with,” Gabriel sat beside Lucifer and put his toy hat on him, “You would have had fun.”

“Nah, Mary needed a day with just her Daddies, I would’ve gotten in the way,” Lucifer said, leaning in to kiss his brother’s cheek. 

“You’re never in the way.” Gabriel playfully poked Lucifer in the stomach. 

“At least you missed me nearly having a heart attack in front of her.” Sam grunted as he sat on the other side of Lucifer. 

Lucifer smiled and looked over at Sam. “Mary told me. Told her you’re scared of them because of a bad encounter. She says you need salt.” 

Gabriel snorted in amusement, “Her answer for everything. We should introduce her to holy water. At least that’d be in more common supply around us.”

“Salt doesn’t stop clowns. I’ve tried.” Sam said as he leaned his head against the wall. “So how was your day by yourself. Do anything fun?” he asked Lucifer. 

Lucifer shrugged. “I baked cookies earlier and was going to try to make some black forest ice cream but... I ended up having a panic attack,” he confessed. He held up the MP3 player, which was still playing, but faint. “This helped. A lot.” 

“I wondered if it would.” Gabriel took hold of the player and pressed stop. 

“How are you feeling now?” Sam asked as he took Lucifer’s hand in his own. 

“Better than I was,” Lucifer said, smiling, “Even better now that you’re both home, and safe.”

“Of course we’re safe,” Gabriel said as he put his arm around his brother’s shoulders, “What fearful scenarios did you cook up while we were gone?” 

“It wasn’t so much scenarios, just the idea of something happening while the two of you were gone.” Lucifer explained, sighing as he relaxed into their arms. “Just that miserable, awful feeling that something very bad is going to happen.”

“Well we’re home now. Just in time for Dean to enlist us into peeling apples until our fingers bleed.”  Gabriel snorted. “I think Sam being retired is wearing off on him. He keeps going on about pies and apple butter.”

Lucifer chuckled and nuzzled into them. “Well, tell Dean that his apple butter and pies can wait. I’m enlisting the two of you as teddy bears, because I was promised snuggles.” He took another bite of his apple. “Just let me finish my apple.” 

“You were promised snuggles?” Gabriel asked with a raised eyebrow at Sam. “Samshine, what did you say on your end of the recording?”

Sam smirked and leaned his chin on Lucifer’s shoulder. “That’s between me and Luc’, don’t you think?”

Lucifer cuddled into Sam, nosing along his jaw happily. “Oh, could you put this in the top drawer, please?” He asked his human mate, handing him the braid. 

“Sure.” Sam murmured and turned around to put it where it belonged while Gabriel looked at them confused. 

“Is that? Holy hell hounds, is that Sam’s hair? Please tell me you know what would happen if that thing got in the wrong hands.” Gabriel sounded exasperated as he gestured toward Sam and the nightstand.

“My hell hounds are the furthest thing from holy, and yes, he does. I made sure he was aware of that before he did it.” Lucifer gave a look up at Sam. “How’d you know I had forgotten about it?”

“It’s small and forgettable.” Sam kissed him on the forehead. Just as Mary Rose burst through their door, jumping up and down with a pair of white feather costume wings on her back. “Mommy, Daddy… loook. Unca Cas gotted me wings!”

“Oh my goodness!” Lucifer exclaimed excitedly, sliding out of bed and kneeling on the floor, opening his arms up wide. “Look at you, Princess!” His own wings fanned out in his excitement and happiness. 

Sam chuckled as he leaned forward. “Why white ones?”

“ ‘cause Unca Cas says all baby angels have white ones until they big.”  Mary Rose placed her hands on her hips with a determined look. 

“He isn’t wrong.” Gabriel said with a smile as he stood up and walked around Mary Rose. “Good formation, wouldn’t you say, Luci?”

“Beautiful.” Lucifer praised with a smile. 

“I wanna be an angel an’ a hunter when I’m big.” the little girl announced to her family. “Kick monster asses.”

“Language, Mary Rose.” Sam admonished, barely concealed grin while Gabriel erupted into giggles. 

Lucifer full belly laughted at his daughter’s announcement. “That’s my princess.” he beamed. “Come give Mommy a hug?” 

Mary Rose leapt into his arms and threw her arms around his neck. “Can I has wings like you, Mommy?” 

“Maybe one day.” Lucifer hummed, kissing her forehead. “But every angel’s wings are different, which is why it’s such a big deal when baby angels get their first colored feathers. Because it makes them special. So maybe you’ll get similar wings to Mommy’s, or maybe you’ll get feathers like Papa’s. We just don’t know yet.”

“Oh. Well I wants big ones.” Mary Rose looked up to Lucifer with hopeful eyes. 

“We’ll just see what God provides.” Lucifer smiled. 

Mary Rose sighed and turned so she was sitting in her adoptive mother’s lap. “Hate waitin’.”

“No one likes waiting. But sometimes that’s all you can do.” Sam explained as he sat beside them and reached over to ruffle her hair. 

Lucifer nodded. “Besides, you can’t have Mommy size wings with a Mary size body.” he teased, tickling his daughter lightly. 

Mary Rose giggled and squirmed out of Lucifer’s hold. She laid on the floor for a moment before bouncing up. “I’m gonna help Unca Dean. He’s gonna make pie!”

Lucifer laughed and leaned in for a nose kiss. “Alright, go help Uncle Dean make pie.” 

Smiling, she ran from the room shouting out for Uncle Dean to not make pie without her.

Gabriel chuckled from where he was reclined back on the bed. “Dean’s rubbing off on her. Watch out Sam. Next she’ll be wanting a muscle car and cursing a blue streak when her gun isn’t clean.” 

“There’s an unsettling thought. Mini Dean.” Sam shuddered. 

Lucifer laughed softly and slowly made his way off of the floor, grunting. 

Gabriel and Sam watched Lucifer walk around the room, putting Gabriel’s hat on the dresser and generally puttering around. “You sure you’re okay, Luc’?” Sam asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Lucifer hummed, coming back over and crawling back into bed with his mates with a warm smile. 

“No more fears about us being hurt?” Gabriel asked as he hugged his brother close. 

Lucifer sighed and cuddled into his mate. “I’m not going to lie, I’m always going to worry you two will get hurt while I’m not there,” he admitted. “Always have, always will. But, it’ll be easier now.” 

“Easier is better than nothing.” Sam took Lucifer’s hand in his and kissed the top of it. He glanced over at the pair of them with a faint smirk and stuck the tip of Lucifer’s finger between his lips. “Mary’s busy cooking with Dean and Cas.” 

Gabriel met Sam’s eyes, confused at first but then his eyebrows lifted in understanding. “Pie making is  _ very _ time consuming.” 

“It can be,” Lucifer said, turning his head to look at his finger between Sam’s lips, not totally understanding what was going on. “Why make mention of this?” he asked. 

“I was thinking, if you’re up to it, we could spend some  _ time _ together.” Sam hinted then flicked the tip of his tongue against Lucifer’s digit. 

Lucifer raised a brow, shivering. “Time?” he whispered. 

Gabriel leaned over and kissed the tender spot below Lucifer’s ear. “Sex, Lucifer. He’s asking if you want to get frisky.”

Lucifer shivered. “Oh...  _ Oh! _ ”

“We don’t have to.” Sam said as his lips grazed their way up to Lucifer’s wrist. “Just a thought.” 

“I want to.” Lucifer whispered, watching Sam’s lips travel, shuddering in pleasure. It had been _so l_ _ong_ for him, having usually abstained because of Mary Rose, but he was now longing for it, _needing_ it. “Please?”

Gabriel smiled and flicked his wrist towards the door, locking it shut with a sock around the doorknob. He didn’t intend for them to leave for at least an hour, even if he had to manipulate time to do it. They were together again and they had to take advantage of every minute they could. 

**Author's Note:**

> Drop us a note and let us know what you think. Comments feed the plot bunnies.
> 
> You can also find us on tumblr at lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell.tumblr.com & madamelibrarian.tumblr.com


End file.
